Jumper

You know, in some ways it's tough reviewing video games, or any intellectual property for that matter, be it music, film, literature, art, or any component therein. We all have our own tastes; things we like and things we don't. Sure, some franchises will appeal to the masses while others fly under the radar and only achieve limited recognition. Even if you loved something, the guy next to you might have hated it, and in that scenario neither of you would be wrong. Nearly everything in life that you can form an opinion about is subjective, and forming differing opinions on topics or products is, in my opinion, an important part of what makes us all unique as sentient beings. And while it's easy to condemn something you didn't personally enjoy, appreciate, or understand, it's arrogant and presumptuous to present your opinion as fact.

With all that in mind, Jumper: Griffin's Story sucks donkey balls. It's objectively, universally, non-debatably bad. This game's suck-factor is so relentless and unceasing that I'm frankly amazed and even slightly horrified that it was ever greenlit for release. Jumper is shockingly poor in just about every category in which it could be evaluated.

The only real praise I can give this game is for the concept. If you missed the film (simply titled Jumper, of which this game is a tie in), it chronicles the journey of a young man who can teleport anywhere just by thinking about his desired location. He uses and abuses this ability in a litany of situations, and on the surface it sounds like a perfect concept with which to make an action packed video game. To that end I can certainly appreciate what the developers of this game were attempting to do: during combat, your four main action buttons (A, B, X, Y on the Xbox 360, or X, Square, Triangle, Circle on the Playstation 2) will transport you to the corresponding side of your opponent in order to attack them. You're also given the ability to go into a "cursor" mode, where you can choose a spot within your current area to transport to. 

The best part about this game? Hayden Christensen does not reprise his role from the movie.

In addition to the impressive ambitions this game brings to the table, the stand out mechanic is the "drop zone" feature. With it, you will grab an opponent and "jump" with them to a remote, often dangerous location, and then leave them there while you transport back to your original footing. These drop zones include delivering your enemies to the site of a nuclear blast just seconds before the explosion, appearing in an arctic tundra mere feet away from a hungry polar bear, or even dropping them off in Earth's orbit. These cutscenes are extremely cool and satisfying to watch, and there are plenty of different, equally entertaining drop zones to discover.

Unfortunately the good stops there, and ugh, where to begin with the bad... First off, this game is a deviation from the film in that you play as an ancillary movie character who just happens to have the same abilities as the star. It's an attempt to flesh out this secondary character's back story in relation to the film, but it's poorly concocted and feels completely detached. The sound effects, music, and voice work are dull and unremarkable, which is a perfect fit for the dull and unremarkable story you'll be trudging through.

Secondly, while the combat system looks great on paper, the execution is truly horrendous. It's unintuitive, clumsy, frustrating, and nearly impossible to completely master until somewhere well into your second play-through (by the by, did I mention you'll need two play-throughs to get all the achievements? More on that later...). Add to the frustrating controls one of the worst camera systems I've ever encountered in recent gaming history, and you'll find yourself taking huge amounts of damage, having to repeat entire levels, and clenching your fists right along with your teeth.

The levels are just plain bad, for a multitude of reasons. The graphics suck, there's no two ways about it. Keep in mind this game was released in 2008, which is WELL into the lifespan of this current seventh generation console, so there's really no tangible excuse for Jumper to look as bad as it does. The characters are almost polygonal like a Playstation 1 game, virtually all the environments are poorly constructed and unimpressively rendered, and overall this game is aesthetically repulsive. And while there is a checkpoint system in place for when you inevitably die, it's about as unintuitive as the combat controls are, and will leave you just as frustrated.

A sloppy, uneven, frustrating embarassment.

Finally, although with some patience and perseverance you can knock out all the achievements in under ten hours, this game has some of the most frustrating and downright infuriating achievements on the 360. The notion of beating the game without dying is laughable considering how hard the game can be and how little room for error you're given. Prepare to hastily hit the dashboard and reload the game repeatedly if you're going for that one. There's another achievement for obtaining a specific score, which you won't reach without playing through the entire abortion of a game twice. If you're like me you'll be lamenting ever playing through it a first time well before you have to begin your second play-through. There's even a baffling achievement for "beating the game in record time" although nowhere does it mention what that time has to be, nor is there an in-game clock to keep track of, so you're basically left to just hope it pops by the end credits. Uninspired combat achievements and monotonous collectibles round out the list.

The Final Word

Let me put it this way: if you had a buddy who was in school to become a video game designer/programmer, he asked you to demo his mid-term assignment and this is what he presented to you, you'd probably have a lot of constructive criticism for them. You might also think that maybe, after a couple more years of hard work and dedication to their craft, your friend would one day have the potential to make a great video game. But as it stands in reality, there's no good reason to play this game, and there's no good reason for it to suck this hard. Achievement hunters should look elsewhere for a quick 1000 gamerscore, casual gamers should never consider allowing this frustrating mess into their homes, and hardcore gamers will be offended by nearly every aspect of this title.

Go on... snap it in half. You know you want to...

The bottom line is: it just isn't any fun. At all. Jumper is an affront to every good innovation that has taken place in the video game industry in the last decade. This game isn't worth the packaging it comes in, and it shouldn't be played by anyone.

1/10